Blogger Notes

Well it certainly has been a while since I've blogged. Quick recap: I've moved to California. I can't find a job. Money has beyond dwindled. School starts in a week and though it's only one class, I'm not ready. We're probably moving into a different apartment in a matter of months. Knowing this prevents me from feeling fully "settled in" - as does not yet having a job. Since I'm not yet working, I can't afford to take my dance classes. Between not working, not attending classes and not being able to start dance, there's been no opportunity to meet people and make friends. Which means I am basically sitting around an apartment with two guys every day. I've spent an obsessive amount of time cleaning and trying to spruce the place up a bit.

But I'm not complaining... not by a long shot. It's warm -- very warm. We go to the pool (a few steps away from the apartment) pretty much every day. The blue skies and sunshine do wonders for my mood. I'm only 20 minutes from the beach, which is nice. Though we haven't been there since I've moved out here. I have an interview set up for tomorrow and I'm really hoping to get it. It's a lot of hours with decent pay which means I can stop worrying about bills and finally be able to take dance. Hopefully I meet some people and can start to build a life of my own out here.

I really miss my girls. I'm not exactly homesick, but I miss being able to chat it up over coffee or hit the mall in the afternoon with one of my girls. I guess I miss being girly... talking about boys, getting a mani/pedi, shopping, etc.

Well, I guess we'll see what happens tomorrow.

13 hours and I'm on a plane!

I took finals yesterday. Did horribly on one, awesome on another
and so-so on the last.

I still haven't packed. 7 hours til my sister gets here for our good-bye dinner/nail date.

The baby and his mama are still at the hospital. I got him to eat some Cheerios and drink a little bit before I left last night. He perked up a bit and was asking to get down. But then he kinda sank back into his pillow. I also brought 2 of his favorite Elmo DVDs and he was very happy about that. I'm hoping they can come home today since his fever had dropped to 99.5 and he seemed to be a bit more active.

I have a lot to get done before I leave. And not so much time. This day is going to FLY by!

I have an interview arranged for Wednesday in Cali. Keep your fingers crossed for me on that one!

AHH! I'm so excited! I will check back in when I return! :)

I really don't have time to be blogging right now but it's the only thing I can focus on right now. I have finals starting in about 2 hours and haven't studied *at all* for one of them. My room looks like a tornado of clothes and I have yet to pack. My plane leaves tomorrow night. I'm off of work today (and possibly tomorrow) because my nephew and sister contracted rotavirus and are in the hospital. This is where I am now... sitting in a chair next to my little guy's hospital bed, listening to Dragontales and the whimper of a baby in pain. His mama is sleeping in a chair at the foot of his bed as she can barely sit up, let alone take care of the baby. And I have to leave here in an hour, praying they are in good hands and will feel better soon. And that I won't get it.

American National Government and Legal Environment of Business. These are the only class options I have for next semester. I am a Psych major. This stinks.

I'm continuing classes next semester at my current university because I'll only be southern Cali for the next semester, then we're moving further north. So, it didn't make sense to apply and register at a school out there only to transfer again the following semester. In order to keep on track with school, I opted to take a couple of classes online so I don't start the grace period of my student loans just yet. This is why my only options are government and law. Ew. Well, the government class I was expecting to take and just got lucky that it's offered online but I really don't want to take a business law class! All of the other options I've either already taken or would a complete waste of my time and money (like Math 093).

Ah, well.


Countdown is t-minus 3 days!!! I had a wonderful talk with my sweetheart last night and fell asleep smiling the biggest smile. I really cannot wait to see him! I also packed up all of my cosmetics, which took a good hour (BTW Cate, I bought 4 bottles to bring with but only had room for 2 -- grr). Tomorrow is going to be dedicated to laundry and packing. I can barely contain my excitement!

I hope the rest of the week is just as sunny and I know that my good mood will only get better as Thursday approaches! <3

Yeah

You wake up from your dreamin' and you don't want to face the day
You can't find a reason to think your world will ever change
You can hide beneath the covers
Or you can run outside, head up high and carry on

Life is a roller coaster ride
Time turns the wheel and love collides
Faith is believing you can close your eyes and touch the sky
To shine while you have the chance to shine
Laugh even when you want to cry
Hold on tight to what you feel inside and ride

It brings you up slowly then shoots you like a rocket towards the ground
It twists you and it shakes you before it turns you upside down
You can't see what's around the corner
And you can't look back, so just live it up and feel the rush

Life is a roller coaster ride
Time turns the wheel and love collides
Faith is believing you can close your eyes and touch the sky
To shine while you have the chance to shine
Laugh even when you want to cry
Hold on tight to what you feel inside and ride

Ride, ride, yeah

Oh yeah, shine while you have the chance to shine
Laugh even when you want to cry
Hold on tight to what you feel inside and ride

Ride, ride, yeah, yeah

I just changed the countdown on my bedroom wall (yes, I am that much of a nerd) and realized I only have 4 more days until I leave. It looks as though it's going to be a nice, sunny day today... a day that usually sends my spirits soaring and lures me outside for all of daylight's hours. But today, I'm not feeling it. I'm being lazy. All I want to do is sit in front of my television (which I rarely do) and watch hours upon hours of movies and TV shows. Maybe a bit of Friends is what I need.

I did go get my haircut. I have bangs now! I ended up showing the stylist the Reese picture, but I'm not sure that's how my hair looks. I'm still getting used to it and am not sure how I feel, but I have received positive feedback so far.

Today I have a girls' afternoon of lunch, a chick flick and probably a bit of shopping planned. I'm feeling rather indolent towards studying. I know I have finals Wednesday and that studying will only bring me that much closer to Thursday, but I just can't bring myself to buckle down for these last two classes. Ah, well... procrastination is my middle name and I always say I work best under pressure. If nothing else, I will strive to focus ALL of my energy tomorrow on studying!

Yesterday was a pretty pleasant day. I helped a friend with a fundraiser, so we spent the afternoon walking around in the sunshine and gossiping while collecting donations. We followed up with a yummy lunch at a local tavern and then I spent the next couple of hours indulging in Sex and the City (so good!) and House Bunny (which reminded me of a bad rendition of Legally Blonde). I spent my evening being nostalgic with a girlfriend as we recollected high school memories via pictures and a bottle of wine. I do so enjoy my girl time. More than anything, that's what I'm going to miss when I'm gone. I love my girls! <3

I reached my goal yesterday and finished that essay final! Today's goal is to study for my Stats exam... it's Friday and I'm taking it easy since the exam isn't a final, just a test on the last 2 chapters so it will be relatively easy. I'm also going to get my hair cut -- well, my bangs anyway, since I'm growing my hair out. I'm still up in the air on exactly which style I want, but I'm thinking something like either Reese Witherspoon or the Olsen twin (sorry, I don't know which one this is!):

This weather is miserable. It's been cloudy, damp, windy, rainy and wet for at least a week now. I am definitely one of those people who's mood fluctuates with the weather and this is a big reason why I cannot WAIT to get to Cali and soak up the sunshine!

Speaking of sunshine, my sweetie has called me several times over the past couple of days. :) I've been trying to refrain from calling him as much as I'd like to because I really want him to enjoy just being home and his time with his buddies. I know that in one week I will have all of his attention so I'm trying to be considerate of the time he has with the guys. Nonetheless, he has called me a bunch of times and each call has brought a smile to my face and an even bigger smile to my heart. I truly cannot wait until I get to wrap him in a big hug and just get to spend some time with him! It's tough, but I'm trying to force myself to focus on other things until I can be with him....

Like finals! Ugh, this is my last week of classes. As happy as I am that the end is here, it's really not going quickly enough! Monday is a review day (and one essay final is due) and Wednesday I have 3 finals one right after the other. The good news: as soon as those finals are done, I have a half day of work, a quick trip to the salon with the sis to get our nails done, dinner and then I am on that plane out west!!! The bad news: I have 1 essay, 3 exams worth of studying, 1 suitcase to pack and 7 days of work and waiting until then!

Well, in an effort to nudge the rest of this day along, I am off to sip my cup of hot tea and work on that essay. If I'm lucky, I can have it turned in by the end of the day. One day at a time... Yes, that is the goal of the day: to complete this essay! I can worry about tomorrow when it comes. :)

...being a military girlfriend, not blogging. :)

So here's my story. I met my man way back in grade school - he was in 8th grade, I was in 7th. We were pretty much each other's firsts on a lot of things: first date, first dance, first love... you get the picture. We dated on and off throughout high school, during which we had more than our fair share of ups and downs including a final break up due to his infidelity. We were both young, had different interests (read: I was a goody goody and he was into partying and probably on a road leading in a very bad direction). After graduation, we went our separate ways for the most part, but had mutual friends so we ran into each other here and there and heard about what was going on in the other's life every now and again. The last thing I heard was that he joined the military and was in Iraq on deployment.

Fast forward to this past January. I had just broken up with my boyfriend of about 18 months on Christmas. My twin sister/best friend and I were having a girls' night, drinking some and reminiscing about the past; particularly, high school. That night, my man was mentioned several times as we had shared more than a few good laughs and memories with him. After she left, he lingered on my mind for the next couple of days so I decided to look him up on MySpace and send him a quick message just saying hello and that I was thinking of him while he was on deployment, etc.

I was not prepared for his response. In a 4-5 page email, he caught me up on what was new in his life: that he had joined the Corps, was on his second deployment, what was new with his friends, family... then he continued on to apologize for things that had happened in the past. We start talking via Skype (gotta love modern technology!) and before long he confessed that he never really got over me. I began to realize that there was still a spark on my end as well. I'm not going to lie and say I thought about him all the time over the past 5-6 years, but the more we spoke, the more I realized how much I liked this guy.

A month ago we officially became a couple. We've also decided that I'm going to move cross-country while he finishes his time in the Corps (he'll be done in January 2010) and see where things lead. Yes, I know we're moving very fast. Yes, I have been cautioned to guard my heart and be careful by numerous friends and family. At the same time, I truly feel like this is going to be a good step for me. I'm excited about moving to warm weather and to start having some fun. I'm excited to give this relationship one more try now that we are both a bit older and a little more mature. I'm excited about having fun, becoming a little more laid back and enjoying life for what it is because, let's face it - in the end, life is short and you only get to do this once. So we might as well take chances and give it our all, is how I feel.

Now, my Marine is safely at home (he just landed yesterday!) and I am about 2000 miles away because I have to finish finals before I get to go see him. [8 more days until I'm on a plane his way!!!] I grow a little more anxious each day because I haven't seen him in so many years and while our chemistry clicks through the internet and over the phone, there is still the chance that it won't be that way in person; I'm getting ready to move my life across the country and start this new chapter (the first in my "romance novel"), leaving behind friends, family and everything I am familiar with; I'm weary about opening my heart again and I'm nervous about really getting into my career. Add to all of that becoming acquainted with being a military girlfriend (sometimes, I swear what he is saying is an entirely different language) and I've got a full plate on my hands!

But you know what?? I'm totally looking forward to every crazy minute of it. <3

I've been watching Friends since about 1:00 pm this afternoon. I've found that this show has the ability to make me smile, giggle, forget about my problems and just generally makes me feel better pretty much no matter what's bothering me. So, what happened that I needed to pop in Season 5 yet again, and on Easter, no less? Hmm... well, I guess what it comes down to is me letting go.

So much is happening right now... so many changes are taking place that are really exciting but at the same time, I guess they are a little bit scary. This dull, nagging fear has caused me to start acting out. I've been in a mood all week and apparently it's been showing.

Alright, I'm not making any sense. Let's see if I can break it down a little...

1) I'm moving to California in June to move in with my boyfriend. This alone is a source of a couple of fears. It means that I am A) leaving behind my friends and family; B) moving to a place I'm completely unfamiliar with; C) taking a risk in a relationship - letting someone in after having my heart broken and not thinking I'd be able to move on (twice); D) living for myself for the first time in my life - not worrying about how everyone is going to be taken care of, doing something that is exciting and appealing to me, etc.

2) This means that my sister and my nephew are going to be moving in with my aunt and uncle. My sister, who I have spent my whole life watching out for, and her little boy, to whom I have grown so attached, people who first meet me think he's my kid. It's taking a step back and letting go, hoping that my sister will be strong enough to stand on her own and make the decisions she needs to make as an adult (and in the best interest of her baby) without my guiding hand. I realize that she is her own person, capable of making these decisions and the mother of the boy I love so much. But it's hard to accept that I won't be around -- even if it is my own decision and for my own good. I guess I'm also a little jealous that pretty much my entire family is going to be here, living under one roof, while I'm hundreds of miles away. Again, I realize it's my own choosing. And it's something I really want to do. In fact, I think I would always wonder "what if" if I don't go. I also know that I will always be able to come back and they will have a home for me. But that doesn't make letting go any easier.

3) Part of the reason for this big change is to set me on the path I want to be on in life - on my way to becoming a Naval Psychologist. This is something I really want to do. I feel it's my calling, if you will. But it scares the shit out of me at the same time. I worry about boot camp - being away from my friends and family for a couple of months. I worry about being able to hack the physical aspect, being able to handle the lifestyle change. I worry about making a commitment I won't be able to keep. I worry about becoming a psychologist in general - running the risk of messing someone's life up worse instead of making it better, as intended. At the same time, I feel it's something else I have to do -- another thing that I'll ask myself "what if" if I don't do it... if I don't at least try.

Add to these big changes all the other things that need to get done: working, keeping up with homework/papers/quizzes/final exams, going through all of my belongings and deciding what I need to take with me right now, what I can get rid of, what to put in storage until I decide if California is going to work out, bills, securing a storage unit, coming up with money to move, getting a job when I get out there, keeping up with school this next semester, being in a relationship, keeping in contact with my friends and family...

For as much as there is to do, I can't seem to bring myself to work on any of it. I have a paper due and an exam tomorrow. I have work in the morning. I got in a fight with my sister and we haven't resolved it. And all I've done today is sleep, eat and watch Friends. Is it lack of motivation? Is my fear holding me back - preventing me from dealing with these things? I've been aggravated because I've sat home doing nothing since Friday, but I can't muster up the energy to actually do anything. I thought about going for a run. I considered going shopping. I know I should clean the apartment or work on homework. There are probably dozens of things I should or could be doing.

Instead, typing this blog will be the most productive thing I've done today. Well, at least I've got this show to keep me laughing.

This is a list of 100 things I have never done but really want to, so I am setting them out as life-long goals. As I achieve each one, I will cross them off the list. Please feel free to make suggestions for my list [particularly the travel] or to share your list with me! I had so much fun thinking this up and can’t wait to start crossing things off. Of course, once I complete everything, I will make another list and start all over again!


1. Visit all 50 states at least once:

Alabama
Alaska
Arizona
Arkansas
California
Colorado
Connecticut
Delaware
Florida
Georgia
Hawaii
Idaho
Illinois
Indiana
Iowa
Kansas
Kentucky
Louisiana
Maine
Maryland
Massachusetts
Michigan
Minnesota
Mississippi
Missouri
Montana
Nebraska
Nevada
New Hampshire
New Jersey
New Mexico
New York
North Carolina
North Dakota
Ohio
Oklahoma
Oregon
Pennsylvania
Rhode Island
South Carolina
South Dakota
Tennessee
Texas
Utah
Vermont
Virginia
Washington
West Virginia
Wisconsin
Wyoming

2. Visit the following U.S. sites/cities/events, take photographs and turn the collection into a scrapbook:

Beverly Hills/Rodeo Drive
Statue of Liberty
Central Park
Empire State Building
Grand Canyon
Hollywood
Mount Rushmore
White House
Lincoln Memorial
Salem, Massachusetts
Niagara Falls (New York)
Golden Gate Bridge
Myrtle Beach, South Carolina
Las Vegas, Nevada
Atlantic City
Ground Zero
Mardi Gras in New Orleans, Louisiana
Times Square
San Diego Zoo
Kentucky Derby

3. Visit the following international sites/cities/countries/events, take photographs and turn the collection into a scrapbook:

Italy
Greece
Spain
Ireland
Germany
Amsterdam
Australia
Mexico
Jamaica
Canada
Bahamas
Virgin Islands
England
Puerto Rico
Great Wall of China
Egyptian pyramids
Carnival in Brazil
African safari
Mona Lisa
Buckingham palace
Great Barrier Reef
Fiji

4. Meet and marry the love of my life.
5. Have a happy home and a house full of kids.
6. Climb a mountain.
7. Buy a house.
8. Learn to drive a stick shift.
9. Become a Naval Psychologist.
10. Learn to ride a motorcycle.
11. Save at least $20 a week, every week for a year and then spend the money on a trip.
12. Run a marathon.
13. Take a self defense class.
14. Take ballet.
15. Make a photo album each December with pictures from the previous year.
16. Parasail.
17. Make baby books for each of my kids (and fill them out completely).
18. Grow my hair until it’s long.
19. Be a maid-of-honor.
20. Volunteer at a soup kitchen.
21. Learn how to stop living in the shadow of my past so that I can cherish the present and enjoy what the future holds.
22. Learn to speak Spanish fluently.
23. Write a novel and/or publish my children’s book.
24. Dance on stage.
25. Meet Joey Fatone and Britney Spears.
26. Go to a Bed and Breakfast.
27. Get a tattoo.
28. Become a mentor in the Big Brother/Big Sister program.
29. Build a Habitat for Humanity house.
30. Keep journals to pass on to my kids.
31. Bury a time capsule with my closest girl friends. Dig it up in 10-20 years and go through it together.
32. Learn how to sew/mend clothes.
33. Ask for forgiveness.
34. Spend a week traveling “wherever the wind takes me” with no destination in mind.
35. Rollerblade down a boardwalk in the middle of summer.
36. Pay off my credit cards.
37. Plant a garden.
38. Meditate at least twice a month.
39. Write my nephew a new story every birthday.
40. Get to know my neighbors.
41. Learn how to build a fire (that lasts).
42. Dance barefoot on the beach underneath the stars.
43. Chase a storm.
44. Go paintballing.
45. Go away once a year with one or two of my friends.
46. Have a BBQ/Bonfire every year “just because.”
47. Make love on the beach.
48. Spend an entire summer somewhere like Nantucket Island.
49. Be as happy and in love with my husband 50 years later as I am when I marry him.
50. Work out weekly.
51. Remember to tell my loved ones that I love them daily.
52. Eat dinner as a family more often than not.
53. Spend quality time with my children/as a family.
54. Take a family vacation every year – even if it’s only camping at a local state park.
55. Plan and save for retirement.
56. Swim with dolphins.
57. Learn how to handle and shoot a gun.
58. Learn how to shoot a bow and arrow.
59. Visit a vineyard.
60. Bake cupcake brownies.
61. Go water tubing.
62. Try surfing.
63. Dance, watch fireworks and/or look at the stars on a rooftop.
64. Write a letter to everyone who has touched my life letting them know what they mean to me.
65. Take a ride in a hot air balloon.
66. Go canoeing.
67. Take a cruise.
68. Audition for a music video as a backup dancer.
69. Be an audience member for “Ellen.”
70. Learn to ballroom dance.
71. Audition for a game show.
72. Sit on a jury.
73. Teach English in a foreign country.
74. Attend the Olympics.
75. Sleep outside for a week.
76. Spend an entire day in bed.
77. Kiss someone in the rain.
78. Meet my grandchildren.
79. Get over my fear of creepy crawlies.
80. Buy a meal for a stranger.
81. Read all of Jane Austen’s novels.

Novels

• Sense and Sensibility (1811)
• Pride and Prejudice (1813)
• Mansfield Park (1814)
• Emma (1815)
• Northanger Abbey (1817)
• Persuasion (1817)

Unfinished fiction

• Lady Susan (1794, 1805)
• The Watsons (1804)
• Sanditon (1817)

82. Turn off my cell phone and computer for an entire week (i.e. 7 days!)
83. Spend an entire paycheck on shopping for myself and not feel guilty.
84. Carve my name on a tree.
85. Skinny dip.
86. Go horseback riding on the beach.
87. Spend a day building a giant sandcastle.
88. Watch the sun set, stay up all night, and watch it rise again.
89. Become CPR/First Aid certified.
90. Smile at 100 strangers and count how many smiles I get back. For each smile, donate $1 to a local charity.
91. Finish college – both undergrad and graduate school.
92. Rent a limo for a day for a girls’ day/night (when there is no special occasion other than spending time with the girls).
93. Take a vow of silence for 24 hours and observe those around me.
94. Write and send a message in a bottle.
95. Make my own Christmas cards and send them to everyone.
96. Build a tree house with my kids. Have tea parties and sleepovers there.
97. Become a foster parent.
98. Re-pierce my nose (again).
99. Host an exchange student.
100. Climb a tree.
101. Be a contestant on a game show.

My heart has been shattered into millions of pieces. I’d rather sit here and grieve the love that I’ve lost than go out there and face this big world. But I’m forced to go out there, act brave and contribute. All the while, my mind’s someplace else.

Thinking & wondering, hoping & second guessing – Is it worth it? Should I risk it? Can I bear to not try?

I am scared and I’m nervous. I feel exhausted and weak. I want to – no, I don’t. I’ll never be ready. But how can I let this slip by? This once in a lifetime, could be happy after all – this sweet, yet unnerving, love of mine.

How can I know? Can I be sure things will change? How can I try when I feel so much pain? How do I forgive? Will I be forgiven? Is there a way to approach carefully? Does to give it a chance mean I’m really just giving in? Is giving up worth not giving at all? Is it really, truly possible this still could work yet? Or did you already forget?

I won’t know the answers. I cannot be sure. But I can be patient, understanding and kind. I can choose to bare my soul, give my heart, share my mind. I can listen to my heart just a little bit more. I can take a leap of faith. I can work with the other toward a promising change.

I can hope.

I can try.

I can wait.

I can work.

I can pray.

I can love.

I can reach out.

I can offer.

I can believe.

I can’t promise forever or even tomorrow.

I can’t promise to be perfect or assure you no pain.

But I can promise an effort to try, try again.

I've heard that change is good. Well, right now I am battling two sides of a coin on that one.

On one side, I've started to make some considerable changes in my life that I feel are significantly beneficial - and crucial - on my Journey to Self Discovery. I have spent the past couple of weeks doing some serious soul searching. I've spent time alone, with friends, with professionals and with family members. I've reevaluated my goals, desires, self and life in general. While I'm still unclear about where this will lead me in the end, I have come to a couple of conclusions.

• There are many facets of myself that I have been out of touch with for many, many years. I am in the process of unearthing all that I have forgotten, hidden, denied or ignored about myself. In doing so, I am finding that some things are better off confronted and handled so that they may dissipate for good. Others, I am happy to be reconnecting with as they are an intricate part of who I am - a part that I am realizing need to be able to surface.
  
  
• I have blatantly neurotic tendencies. This is something I've never denied. While I've never seen a problem with this before, I am starting to realize that said tendencies are costing me the most important thing I have - life. Between the planning and analyzing, the worrying and nitpicking, the fear and the anger, I am letting life slip right by without even noticing I'm letting it happen.

I view both of these conclusions as beneficial realizations. I know that reflecting on these points will allow me to live a more simple, laid back, happy and enjoyable life. I can elaborate on both of the above conclusions in further detail, but that will be for another blog.

The flip side of this metaphoric coin is the changes that I am not happy about. I'm not sure I should call it "negative" change as I am beginning to feel there is a silver lining in all things and surely I can find the positive aspects in these undesired changes. In fact, I want to take a moment to do that now.

One of these undesired changes is the loss of something very near and dear to my heart - something I never realized I ran the risk of losing until it was gone.
Silver lining: If I had not lost that something, I would not have been forced to dive head first into this realm of self-discovery that I had never known was possible. I may not have taken the risks necessary to trudge through the past 23 years of hurt, anger, disappointment and fear. I would have never had the courage to look into my soul, face my demons and refuse to live the rest of my life as a prisoner to the past. For this, I am eternally grateful.

I have a long, hard and winding road ahead of me lined with obstacles that I may, at times, feel too weak to overcome. But I know that jumping each hurdle (or barely crawling over them) is not only necessary, but possible. I know that these changes I am experiencing will help me to become the person that I was put on this earth to become.

No, I don't have it all figured out and I know I never will. Yes, I struggle daily to keep positive, work on my weaknesses and allow myself to be imperfect. But I know that despite my downfalls and bad days, though my heart aches and my strength is weak, I will find comfort in my God, love in those close to my heart and hope in the potential of change.

Yes, I guess that change is good.