So much is happening right now... so many changes are taking place that are really exciting but at the same time, I guess they are a little bit scary. This dull, nagging fear has caused me to start acting out. I've been in a mood all week and apparently it's been showing.
Alright, I'm not making any sense. Let's see if I can break it down a little...
1) I'm moving to California in June to move in with my boyfriend. This alone is a source of a couple of fears. It means that I am A) leaving behind my friends and family; B) moving to a place I'm completely unfamiliar with; C) taking a risk in a relationship - letting someone in after having my heart broken and not thinking I'd be able to move on (twice); D) living for myself for the first time in my life - not worrying about how everyone is going to be taken care of, doing something that is exciting and appealing to me, etc.
2) This means that my sister and my nephew are going to be moving in with my aunt and uncle. My sister, who I have spent my whole life watching out for, and her little boy, to whom I have grown so attached, people who first meet me think he's my kid. It's taking a step back and letting go, hoping that my sister will be strong enough to stand on her own and make the decisions she needs to make as an adult (and in the best interest of her baby) without my guiding hand. I realize that she is her own person, capable of making these decisions and the mother of the boy I love so much. But it's hard to accept that I won't be around -- even if it is my own decision and for my own good. I guess I'm also a little jealous that pretty much my entire family is going to be here, living under one roof, while I'm hundreds of miles away. Again, I realize it's my own choosing. And it's something I really want to do. In fact, I think I would always wonder "what if" if I don't go. I also know that I will always be able to come back and they will have a home for me. But that doesn't make letting go any easier.
3) Part of the reason for this big change is to set me on the path I want to be on in life - on my way to becoming a Naval Psychologist. This is something I really want to do. I feel it's my calling, if you will. But it scares the shit out of me at the same time. I worry about boot camp - being away from my friends and family for a couple of months. I worry about being able to hack the physical aspect, being able to handle the lifestyle change. I worry about making a commitment I won't be able to keep. I worry about becoming a psychologist in general - running the risk of messing someone's life up worse instead of making it better, as intended. At the same time, I feel it's something else I have to do -- another thing that I'll ask myself "what if" if I don't do it... if I don't at least try.
Add to these big changes all the other things that need to get done: working, keeping up with homework/papers/quizzes/final exams, going through all of my belongings and deciding what I need to take with me right now, what I can get rid of, what to put in storage until I decide if California is going to work out, bills, securing a storage unit, coming up with money to move, getting a job when I get out there, keeping up with school this next semester, being in a relationship, keeping in contact with my friends and family...
For as much as there is to do, I can't seem to bring myself to work on any of it. I have a paper due and an exam tomorrow. I have work in the morning. I got in a fight with my sister and we haven't resolved it. And all I've done today is sleep, eat and watch Friends. Is it lack of motivation? Is my fear holding me back - preventing me from dealing with these things? I've been aggravated because I've sat home doing nothing since Friday, but I can't muster up the energy to actually do anything. I thought about going for a run. I considered going shopping. I know I should clean the apartment or work on homework. There are probably dozens of things I should or could be doing.
Instead, typing this blog will be the most productive thing I've done today. Well, at least I've got this show to keep me laughing.
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