Blogger Notes

My heart has been shattered into millions of pieces. I’d rather sit here and grieve the love that I’ve lost than go out there and face this big world. But I’m forced to go out there, act brave and contribute. All the while, my mind’s someplace else.

Thinking & wondering, hoping & second guessing – Is it worth it? Should I risk it? Can I bear to not try?

I am scared and I’m nervous. I feel exhausted and weak. I want to – no, I don’t. I’ll never be ready. But how can I let this slip by? This once in a lifetime, could be happy after all – this sweet, yet unnerving, love of mine.

How can I know? Can I be sure things will change? How can I try when I feel so much pain? How do I forgive? Will I be forgiven? Is there a way to approach carefully? Does to give it a chance mean I’m really just giving in? Is giving up worth not giving at all? Is it really, truly possible this still could work yet? Or did you already forget?

I won’t know the answers. I cannot be sure. But I can be patient, understanding and kind. I can choose to bare my soul, give my heart, share my mind. I can listen to my heart just a little bit more. I can take a leap of faith. I can work with the other toward a promising change.

I can hope.

I can try.

I can wait.

I can work.

I can pray.

I can love.

I can reach out.

I can offer.

I can believe.

I can’t promise forever or even tomorrow.

I can’t promise to be perfect or assure you no pain.

But I can promise an effort to try, try again.

I've heard that change is good. Well, right now I am battling two sides of a coin on that one.

On one side, I've started to make some considerable changes in my life that I feel are significantly beneficial - and crucial - on my Journey to Self Discovery. I have spent the past couple of weeks doing some serious soul searching. I've spent time alone, with friends, with professionals and with family members. I've reevaluated my goals, desires, self and life in general. While I'm still unclear about where this will lead me in the end, I have come to a couple of conclusions.

• There are many facets of myself that I have been out of touch with for many, many years. I am in the process of unearthing all that I have forgotten, hidden, denied or ignored about myself. In doing so, I am finding that some things are better off confronted and handled so that they may dissipate for good. Others, I am happy to be reconnecting with as they are an intricate part of who I am - a part that I am realizing need to be able to surface.
  
  
• I have blatantly neurotic tendencies. This is something I've never denied. While I've never seen a problem with this before, I am starting to realize that said tendencies are costing me the most important thing I have - life. Between the planning and analyzing, the worrying and nitpicking, the fear and the anger, I am letting life slip right by without even noticing I'm letting it happen.

I view both of these conclusions as beneficial realizations. I know that reflecting on these points will allow me to live a more simple, laid back, happy and enjoyable life. I can elaborate on both of the above conclusions in further detail, but that will be for another blog.

The flip side of this metaphoric coin is the changes that I am not happy about. I'm not sure I should call it "negative" change as I am beginning to feel there is a silver lining in all things and surely I can find the positive aspects in these undesired changes. In fact, I want to take a moment to do that now.

One of these undesired changes is the loss of something very near and dear to my heart - something I never realized I ran the risk of losing until it was gone.
Silver lining: If I had not lost that something, I would not have been forced to dive head first into this realm of self-discovery that I had never known was possible. I may not have taken the risks necessary to trudge through the past 23 years of hurt, anger, disappointment and fear. I would have never had the courage to look into my soul, face my demons and refuse to live the rest of my life as a prisoner to the past. For this, I am eternally grateful.

I have a long, hard and winding road ahead of me lined with obstacles that I may, at times, feel too weak to overcome. But I know that jumping each hurdle (or barely crawling over them) is not only necessary, but possible. I know that these changes I am experiencing will help me to become the person that I was put on this earth to become.

No, I don't have it all figured out and I know I never will. Yes, I struggle daily to keep positive, work on my weaknesses and allow myself to be imperfect. But I know that despite my downfalls and bad days, though my heart aches and my strength is weak, I will find comfort in my God, love in those close to my heart and hope in the potential of change.

Yes, I guess that change is good.