How's She Do It? ;)

3 Meat Spaghetti Sauce

2010-10-06T22:30:00.002-05:00

Ingredients:

4 tablespoons olive oil
4-5 cloves of garlic, minced
1 ½-2 lbs ground round
1 lb Italian sausage, sliced or bulk
1-2 sticks pepperoni, sliced
6 oz can tomato paste
15 oz can tomato sauce
32 oz can crushed or minced tomatoes
1 teaspoon sugar
½ teaspoon salt
½ teaspoon pepper
2 tablespoons basil
1 tablespoon parsley
2 tablespoons Italian seasoning

Directions:

Simmer garlic in olive oil over medium heat until lightly browned.
Add ground round and Italian sausage and brown well. Drain.
In a large pot, mix meat mixture and tomato paste.
Add pepperoni, crushed/minced tomatoes, half a can of water and tomato sauce to pot.
Add sugar, salt, pepper, basil, parsley and Italian seasoning. Mix well.
Bring to a boil, then reduce the heat, cover the pot and simmer 1 ½-2 hours, stirring occasionally.
Remove from heat and add parmesan cheese; mix. Serve over hot pasta.

Home Sweet .... Cali

2009-08-23T22:17:00.003-05:00

Well it certainly has been a while since I've blogged. Quick recap: I've moved to California. I can't find a job. Money has beyond dwindled. School starts in a week and though it's only one class, I'm not ready. We're probably moving into a different apartment in a matter of months. Knowing this prevents me from feeling fully "settled in" - as does not yet having a job. Since I'm not yet working, I can't afford to take my dance classes. Between not working, not attending classes and not being able to start dance, there's been no opportunity to meet people and make friends. Which means I am basically sitting around an apartment with two guys every day. I've spent an obsessive amount of time cleaning and trying to spruce the place up a bit.

But I'm not complaining... not by a long shot. It's warm -- very warm. We go to the pool (a few steps away from the apartment) pretty much every day. The blue skies and sunshine do wonders for my mood. I'm only 20 minutes from the beach, which is nice. Though we haven't been there since I've moved out here. I have an interview set up for tomorrow and I'm really hoping to get it. It's a lot of hours with decent pay which means I can stop worrying about bills and finally be able to take dance. Hopefully I meet some people and can start to build a life of my own out here.

I really miss my girls. I'm not exactly homesick, but I miss being able to chat it up over coffee or hit the mall in the afternoon with one of my girls. I guess I miss being girly... talking about boys, getting a mani/pedi, shopping, etc.

Well, I guess we'll see what happens tomorrow.

CALIFORNIA HERE I COME!

2009-05-07T07:10:00.003-05:00

13 hours and I'm on a plane!

I took finals yesterday. Did horribly on one, awesome on another
and so-so on the last.

I still haven't packed. 7 hours til my sister gets here for our good-bye dinner/nail date.

The baby and his mama are still at the hospital. I got him to eat some Cheerios and drink a little bit before I left last night. He perked up a bit and was asking to get down. But then he kinda sank back into his pillow. I also brought 2 of his favorite Elmo DVDs and he was very happy about that. I'm hoping they can come home today since his fever had dropped to 99.5 and he seemed to be a bit more active.

I have a lot to get done before I leave. And not so much time. This day is going to FLY by!

I have an interview arranged for Wednesday in Cali. Keep your fingers crossed for me on that one!

AHH! I'm so excited! I will check back in when I return! :)

My poor baby is sick

2009-05-06T11:43:00.003-05:00

I really don't have time to be blogging right now but it's the only thing I can focus on right now. I have finals starting in about 2 hours and haven't studied *at all* for one of them. My room looks like a tornado of clothes and I have yet to pack. My plane leaves tomorrow night. I'm off of work today (and possibly tomorrow) because my nephew and sister contracted rotavirus and are in the hospital. This is where I am now... sitting in a chair next to my little guy's hospital bed, listening to Dragontales and the whimper of a baby in pain. His mama is sleeping in a chair at the foot of his bed as she can barely sit up, let alone take care of the baby. And I have to leave here in an hour, praying they are in good hands and will feel better soon. And that I won't get it.

: ( and : )

2009-05-04T10:50:00.005-05:00

American National Government and Legal Environment of Business. These are the only class options I have for next semester. I am a Psych major. This stinks.

I'm continuing classes next semester at my current university because I'll only be southern Cali for the next semester, then we're moving further north. So, it didn't make sense to apply and register at a school out there only to transfer again the following semester. In order to keep on track with school, I opted to take a couple of classes online so I don't start the grace period of my student loans just yet. This is why my only options are government and law. Ew. Well, the government class I was expecting to take and just got lucky that it's offered online but I really don't want to take a business law class! All of the other options I've either already taken or would a complete waste of my time and money (like Math 093).

Ah, well.

That was not going to be the topic of this post, but it occurred to me as I logged into my computer that I needed to get myself registered. What I really want to talk about is how absolutely gorgeous it is today! I am sitting in the sunshine as I type this, wearing a t-shirt, capris, sunglasses and flip flops. Pure heaven! I can hear a lawnmower from the neighbor and smell the sweet aroma of fresh cut grass. The sun is beating down so warm on my shoulders and the sky is a perfect blue. The baby is playing in a little house his dad built for him in the backyard as I sip on my iced coffee and blog. :) We went to the park this morning and as we walked I could smell all sorts of delicious flowers and smiled as I realized that Spring has finally sprung! Yes, I really do love my job.

Countdown is t-minus 3 days!!! I had a wonderful talk with my sweetheart last night and fell asleep smiling the biggest smile. I really cannot wait to see him! I also packed up all of my cosmetics, which took a good hour (BTW Cate, I bought 4 bottles to bring with but only had room for 2 -- grr). Tomorrow is going to be dedicated to laundry and packing. I can barely contain my excitement!

I hope the rest of the week is just as sunny and I know that my good mood will only get better as Thursday approaches! <3

Ride by Martina McBride

2009-05-03T11:11:00.002-05:00

Yeah

You wake up from your dreamin' and you don't want to face the day
You can't find a reason to think your world will ever change
You can hide beneath the covers
Or you can run outside, head up high and carry on

Life is a roller coaster ride
Time turns the wheel and love collides
Faith is believing you can close your eyes and touch the sky
To shine while you have the chance to shine
Laugh even when you want to cry
Hold on tight to what you feel inside and ride

It brings you up slowly then shoots you like a rocket towards the ground
It twists you and it shakes you before it turns you upside down
You can't see what's around the corner
And you can't look back, so just live it up and feel the rush

Life is a roller coaster ride
Time turns the wheel and love collides
Faith is believing you can close your eyes and touch the sky
To shine while you have the chance to shine
Laugh even when you want to cry
Hold on tight to what you feel inside and ride

Ride, ride, yeah

Oh yeah, shine while you have the chance to shine
Laugh even when you want to cry
Hold on tight to what you feel inside and ride

Ride, ride, yeah, yeah

Weekend of Sunshine

2009-05-03T09:18:00.004-05:00

I just changed the countdown on my bedroom wall (yes, I am that much of a nerd) and realized I only have 4 more days until I leave. It looks as though it's going to be a nice, sunny day today... a day that usually sends my spirits soaring and lures me outside for all of daylight's hours. But today, I'm not feeling it. I'm being lazy. All I want to do is sit in front of my television (which I rarely do) and watch hours upon hours of movies and TV shows. Maybe a bit of Friends is what I need.

I did go get my haircut. I have bangs now! I ended up showing the stylist the Reese picture, but I'm not sure that's how my hair looks. I'm still getting used to it and am not sure how I feel, but I have received positive feedback so far.

Today I have a girls' afternoon of lunch, a chick flick and probably a bit of shopping planned. I'm feeling rather indolent towards studying. I know I have finals Wednesday and that studying will only bring me that much closer to Thursday, but I just can't bring myself to buckle down for these last two classes. Ah, well... procrastination is my middle name and I always say I work best under pressure. If nothing else, I will strive to focus ALL of my energy tomorrow on studying!

Yesterday was a pretty pleasant day. I helped a friend with a fundraiser, so we spent the afternoon walking around in the sunshine and gossiping while collecting donations. We followed up with a yummy lunch at a local tavern and then I spent the next couple of hours indulging in Sex and the City (so good!) and House Bunny (which reminded me of a bad rendition of Legally Blonde). I spent my evening being nostalgic with a girlfriend as we recollected high school memories via pictures and a bottle of wine. I do so enjoy my girl time. More than anything, that's what I'm going to miss when I'm gone. I love my girls! <3

MOTS and Hair Care

2009-05-01T07:09:00.005-05:00

I reached my goal yesterday and finished that essay final! Today's goal is to study for my Stats exam... it's Friday and I'm taking it easy since the exam isn't a final, just a test on the last 2 chapters so it will be relatively easy. I'm also going to get my hair cut -- well, my bangs anyway, since I'm growing my hair out. I'm still up in the air on exactly which style I want, but I'm thinking something like either Reese Witherspoon or the Olsen twin (sorry, I don't know which one this is!):

Another cloudy and gray day outside today, but I'm going to try and not let that keep my mood down today! I have 6 more days until sun, sun, sun!

Anxiety and Cloudy Weather

2009-04-30T12:12:00.012-05:00

This weather is miserable. It's been cloudy, damp, windy, rainy and wet for at least a week now. I am definitely one of those people who's mood fluctuates with the weather and this is a big reason why I cannot WAIT to get to Cali and soak up the sunshine!

Speaking of sunshine, my sweetie has called me several times over the past couple of days. :) I've been trying to refrain from calling him as much as I'd like to because I really want him to enjoy just being home and his time with his buddies. I know that in one week I will have all of his attention so I'm trying to be considerate of the time he has with the guys. Nonetheless, he has called me a bunch of times and each call has brought a smile to my face and an even bigger smile to my heart. I truly cannot wait until I get to wrap him in a big hug and just get to spend some time with him! It's tough, but I'm trying to force myself to focus on other things until I can be with him....

Like finals! Ugh, this is my last week of classes. As happy as I am that the end is here, it's really not going quickly enough! Monday is a review day (and one essay final is due) and Wednesday I have 3 finals one right after the other. The good news: as soon as those finals are done, I have a half day of work, a quick trip to the salon with the sis to get our nails done, dinner and then I am on that plane out west!!! The bad news: I have 1 essay, 3 exams worth of studying, 1 suitcase to pack and 7 days of work and waiting until then!

Well, in an effort to nudge the rest of this day along, I am off to sip my cup of hot tea and work on that essay. If I'm lucky, I can have it turned in by the end of the day. One day at a time... Yes, that is the goal of the day: to complete this essay! I can worry about tomorrow when it comes. :)

So, I'm new to this...

2009-04-29T14:16:00.002-05:00

...being a military girlfriend, not blogging. :)

So here's my story. I met my man way back in grade school - he was in 8th grade, I was in 7th. We were pretty much each other's firsts on a lot of things: first date, first dance, first love... you get the picture. We dated on and off throughout high school, during which we had more than our fair share of ups and downs including a final break up due to his infidelity. We were both young, had different interests (read: I was a goody goody and he was into partying and probably on a road leading in a very bad direction). After graduation, we went our separate ways for the most part, but had mutual friends so we ran into each other here and there and heard about what was going on in the other's life every now and again. The last thing I heard was that he joined the military and was in Iraq on deployment.

Fast forward to this past January. I had just broken up with my boyfriend of about 18 months on Christmas. My twin sister/best friend and I were having a girls' night, drinking some and reminiscing about the past; particularly, high school. That night, my man was mentioned several times as we had shared more than a few good laughs and memories with him. After she left, he lingered on my mind for the next couple of days so I decided to look him up on MySpace and send him a quick message just saying hello and that I was thinking of him while he was on deployment, etc.

I was not prepared for his response. In a 4-5 page email, he caught me up on what was new in his life: that he had joined the Corps, was on his second deployment, what was new with his friends, family... then he continued on to apologize for things that had happened in the past. We start talking via Skype (gotta love modern technology!) and before long he confessed that he never really got over me. I began to realize that there was still a spark on my end as well. I'm not going to lie and say I thought about him all the time over the past 5-6 years, but the more we spoke, the more I realized how much I liked this guy.

A month ago we officially became a couple. We've also decided that I'm going to move cross-country while he finishes his time in the Corps (he'll be done in January 2010) and see where things lead. Yes, I know we're moving very fast. Yes, I have been cautioned to guard my heart and be careful by numerous friends and family. At the same time, I truly feel like this is going to be a good step for me. I'm excited about moving to warm weather and to start having some fun. I'm excited to give this relationship one more try now that we are both a bit older and a little more mature. I'm excited about having fun, becoming a little more laid back and enjoying life for what it is because, let's face it - in the end, life is short and you only get to do this once. So we might as well take chances and give it our all, is how I feel.

Now, my Marine is safely at home (he just landed yesterday!) and I am about 2000 miles away because I have to finish finals before I get to go see him. [8 more days until I'm on a plane his way!!!] I grow a little more anxious each day because I haven't seen him in so many years and while our chemistry clicks through the internet and over the phone, there is still the chance that it won't be that way in person; I'm getting ready to move my life across the country and start this new chapter (the first in my "romance novel"), leaving behind friends, family and everything I am familiar with; I'm weary about opening my heart again and I'm nervous about really getting into my career. Add to all of that becoming acquainted with being a military girlfriend (sometimes, I swear what he is saying is an entirely different language) and I've got a full plate on my hands!

But you know what?? I'm totally looking forward to every crazy minute of it. <3

"...and thank YOU for that." - RG

2009-04-12T21:58:00.003-05:00

I've been watching Friends since about 1:00 pm this afternoon. I've found that this show has the ability to make me smile, giggle, forget about my problems and just generally makes me feel better pretty much no matter what's bothering me. So, what happened that I needed to pop in Season 5 yet again, and on Easter, no less? Hmm... well, I guess what it comes down to is me letting go.

So much is happening right now... so many changes are taking place that are really exciting but at the same time, I guess they are a little bit scary. This dull, nagging fear has caused me to start acting out. I've been in a mood all week and apparently it's been showing.

Alright, I'm not making any sense. Let's see if I can break it down a little...

1) I'm moving to California in June to move in with my boyfriend. This alone is a source of a couple of fears. It means that I am A) leaving behind my friends and family; B) moving to a place I'm completely unfamiliar with; C) taking a risk in a relationship - letting someone in after having my heart broken and not thinking I'd be able to move on (twice); D) living for myself for the first time in my life - not worrying about how everyone is going to be taken care of, doing something that is exciting and appealing to me, etc.

2) This means that my sister and my nephew are going to be moving in with my aunt and uncle. My sister, who I have spent my whole life watching out for, and her little boy, to whom I have grown so attached, people who first meet me think he's my kid. It's taking a step back and letting go, hoping that my sister will be strong enough to stand on her own and make the decisions she needs to make as an adult (and in the best interest of her baby) without my guiding hand. I realize that she is her own person, capable of making these decisions and the mother of the boy I love so much. But it's hard to accept that I won't be around -- even if it is my own decision and for my own good. I guess I'm also a little jealous that pretty much my entire family is going to be here, living under one roof, while I'm hundreds of miles away. Again, I realize it's my own choosing. And it's something I really want to do. In fact, I think I would always wonder "what if" if I don't go. I also know that I will always be able to come back and they will have a home for me. But that doesn't make letting go any easier.

3) Part of the reason for this big change is to set me on the path I want to be on in life - on my way to becoming a Naval Psychologist. This is something I really want to do. I feel it's my calling, if you will. But it scares the shit out of me at the same time. I worry about boot camp - being away from my friends and family for a couple of months. I worry about being able to hack the physical aspect, being able to handle the lifestyle change. I worry about making a commitment I won't be able to keep. I worry about becoming a psychologist in general - running the risk of messing someone's life up worse instead of making it better, as intended. At the same time, I feel it's something else I have to do -- another thing that I'll ask myself "what if" if I don't do it... if I don't at least try.

Add to these big changes all the other things that need to get done: working, keeping up with homework/papers/quizzes/final exams, going through all of my belongings and deciding what I need to take with me right now, what I can get rid of, what to put in storage until I decide if California is going to work out, bills, securing a storage unit, coming up with money to move, getting a job when I get out there, keeping up with school this next semester, being in a relationship, keeping in contact with my friends and family...

For as much as there is to do, I can't seem to bring myself to work on any of it. I have a paper due and an exam tomorrow. I have work in the morning. I got in a fight with my sister and we haven't resolved it. And all I've done today is sleep, eat and watch Friends. Is it lack of motivation? Is my fear holding me back - preventing me from dealing with these things? I've been aggravated because I've sat home doing nothing since Friday, but I can't muster up the energy to actually do anything. I thought about going for a run. I considered going shopping. I know I should clean the apartment or work on homework. There are probably dozens of things I should or could be doing.

Instead, typing this blog will be the most productive thing I've done today. Well, at least I've got this show to keep me laughing.

MY LIFE LIST – Things I Want to See and Do Before I Die

2009-04-11T14:51:00.003-05:00

This is a list of 100 things I have never done but really want to, so I am setting them out as life-long goals. As I achieve each one, I will cross them off the list. Please feel free to make suggestions for my list [particularly the travel] or to share your list with me! I had so much fun thinking this up and can’t wait to start crossing things off. Of course, once I complete everything, I will make another list and start all over again!

1. Visit all 50 states at least once:

Alabama
Alaska
Arizona
~~Arkansas~~
California
Colorado
Connecticut
~~Delaware~~
~~Florida~~
~~Georgia~~
Hawaii
Idaho
~~Illinois~~
~~Indiana~~
~~Iowa~~
~~Kansas~~
~~Kentucky~~
~~Louisiana~~
Maine
~~Maryland~~
Massachusetts
~~Michigan~~
Minnesota
~~Mississippi~~
~~Missouri~~
Montana
Nebraska
Nevada
New Hampshire
New Jersey
New Mexico
New York
North Carolina
North Dakota
~~Ohio~~
~~Oklahoma~~
Oregon
~~Pennsylvania~~
Rhode Island
South Carolina
South Dakota
~~Tennessee~~
~~Texas~~
Utah
Vermont
~~Virginia~~
Washington
West Virginia
~~Wisconsin~~
Wyoming

2. Visit the following U.S. sites/cities/events, take photographs and turn the collection into a scrapbook:

Beverly Hills/Rodeo Drive
Statue of Liberty
Central Park
Empire State Building
Grand Canyon
Hollywood
Mount Rushmore
White House
Lincoln Memorial
Salem, Massachusetts
Niagara Falls (New York)
Golden Gate Bridge
Myrtle Beach, South Carolina
Las Vegas, Nevada
Atlantic City
Ground Zero
Mardi Gras in New Orleans, Louisiana
Times Square
San Diego Zoo
Kentucky Derby

3. Visit the following international sites/cities/countries/events, take photographs and turn the collection into a scrapbook:

Italy
Greece
~~Spain~~
Ireland
Germany
Amsterdam
Australia
Mexico
Jamaica
Canada
Bahamas
Virgin Islands
England
Puerto Rico
Great Wall of China
Egyptian pyramids
Carnival in Brazil
African safari
Mona Lisa
Buckingham palace
Great Barrier Reef
Fiji

4. Meet and marry the love of my life.
5. Have a happy home and a house full of kids.
6. Climb a mountain.
7. Buy a house.
8. Learn to drive a stick shift.
9. Become a Naval Psychologist.
10. Learn to ride a motorcycle.
11. Save at least $20 a week, every week for a year and then spend the money on a trip.
12. Run a marathon.
13. Take a self defense class.
14. Take ballet.
15. Make a photo album each December with pictures from the previous year.
16. Parasail.
17. Make baby books for each of my kids (and fill them out completely).
18. Grow my hair until it’s long.
19. Be a maid-of-honor.
20. Volunteer at a soup kitchen.
21. Learn how to stop living in the shadow of my past so that I can cherish the present and enjoy what the future holds.
22. Learn to speak Spanish fluently.
23. Write a novel and/or publish my children’s book.
24. Dance on stage.
25. Meet Joey Fatone and Britney Spears.
26. Go to a Bed and Breakfast.
27. Get a tattoo.
28. Become a mentor in the Big Brother/Big Sister program.
29. Build a Habitat for Humanity house.
30. Keep journals to pass on to my kids.
31. Bury a time capsule with my closest girl friends. Dig it up in 10-20 years and go through it together.
32. Learn how to sew/mend clothes.
33. Ask for forgiveness.
34. Spend a week traveling “wherever the wind takes me” with no destination in mind.
35. Rollerblade down a boardwalk in the middle of summer.
36. Pay off my credit cards.
37. Plant a garden.
38. Meditate at least twice a month.
39. Write my nephew a new story every birthday.
40. Get to know my neighbors.
41. Learn how to build a fire (that lasts).
42. Dance barefoot on the beach underneath the stars.
43. Chase a storm.
44. Go paintballing.
45. Go away once a year with one or two of my friends.
46. Have a BBQ/Bonfire every year “just because.”
47. Make love on the beach.
48. Spend an entire summer somewhere like Nantucket Island.
49. Be as happy and in love with my husband 50 years later as I am when I marry him.
50. Work out weekly.
51. Remember to tell my loved ones that I love them daily.
52. Eat dinner as a family more often than not.
53. Spend quality time with my children/as a family.
54. Take a family vacation every year – even if it’s only camping at a local state park.
55. Plan and save for retirement.
56. Swim with dolphins.
57. Learn how to handle and shoot a gun.
58. Learn how to shoot a bow and arrow.
59. Visit a vineyard.
60. Bake cupcake brownies.
61. Go water tubing.
62. Try surfing.
63. Dance, watch fireworks and/or look at the stars on a rooftop.
64. Write a letter to everyone who has touched my life letting them know what they mean to me.
65. Take a ride in a hot air balloon.
66. Go canoeing.
67. Take a cruise.
68. Audition for a music video as a backup dancer.
69. Be an audience member for “Ellen.”
70. Learn to ballroom dance.
71. Audition for a game show.
72. Sit on a jury.
73. Teach English in a foreign country.
74. Attend the Olympics.
75. Sleep outside for a week.
76. Spend an entire day in bed.
77. Kiss someone in the rain.
78. Meet my grandchildren.
79. Get over my fear of creepy crawlies.
80. Buy a meal for a stranger.
81. Read all of Jane Austen’s novels.

Novels

Unfinished fiction

Lady Susan (1794, 1805)
The Watsons (1804)
Sanditon (1817)

82. Turn off my cell phone and computer for an entire week (i.e. 7 days!)
83. Spend an entire paycheck on shopping for myself and not feel guilty.
84. Carve my name on a tree.
85. Skinny dip.
86. Go horseback riding on the beach.
87. Spend a day building a giant sandcastle.
88. Watch the sun set, stay up all night, and watch it rise again.
89. Become CPR/First Aid certified.
90. Smile at 100 strangers and count how many smiles I get back. For each smile, donate $1 to a local charity.
91. Finish college – both undergrad and graduate school.
92. Rent a limo for a day for a girls’ day/night (when there is no special occasion other than spending time with the girls).
93. Take a vow of silence for 24 hours and observe those around me.
94. Write and send a message in a bottle.
95. Make my own Christmas cards and send them to everyone.
96. Build a tree house with my kids. Have tea parties and sleepovers there.
97. Become a foster parent.
98. Re-pierce my nose (again).
99. Host an exchange student.
100. Climb a tree.
101. Be a contestant on a game show.

I can

2009-01-24T17:46:00.004-06:00

My heart has been shattered into millions of pieces. I’d rather sit here and grieve the love that I’ve lost than go out there and face this big world. But I’m forced to go out there, act brave and contribute. All the while, my mind’s someplace else.

Thinking & wondering, hoping & second guessing – Is it worth it? Should I risk it? Can I bear to not try?

I am scared and I’m nervous. I feel exhausted and weak. I want to – no, I don’t. I’ll never be ready. But how can I let this slip by? This once in a lifetime, could be happy after all – this sweet, yet unnerving, love of mine.

How can I know? Can I be sure things will change? How can I try when I feel so much pain? How do I forgive? Will I be forgiven? Is there a way to approach carefully? Does to give it a chance mean I’m really just giving in? Is giving up worth not giving at all? Is it really, truly possible this still could work yet? Or did you already forget?

I won’t know the answers. I cannot be sure. But I can be patient, understanding and kind. I can choose to bare my soul, give my heart, share my mind. I can listen to my heart just a little bit more. I can take a leap of faith. I can work with the other toward a promising change.

I can hope.

I can try.

I can wait.

I can work.

I can pray.

I can love.

I can reach out.

I can offer.

I can believe.

I can’t promise forever or even tomorrow.

I can’t promise to be perfect or assure you no pain.

But I can promise an effort to try, try again.

It's time for a change (and this has nothing to do with politics!)

2009-01-17T23:20:00.003-06:00

I've heard that change is good. Well, right now I am battling two sides of a coin on that one.

On one side, I've started to make some considerable changes in my life that I feel are significantly beneficial - and crucial - on my Journey to Self Discovery. I have spent the past couple of weeks doing some serious soul searching. I've spent time alone, with friends, with professionals and with family members. I've reevaluated my goals, desires, self and life in general. While I'm still unclear about where this will lead me in the end, I have come to a couple of conclusions.

There are many facets of myself that I have been out of touch with for many, many years. I am in the process of unearthing all that I have forgotten, hidden, denied or ignored about myself. In doing so, I am finding that some things are better off confronted and handled so that they may dissipate for good. Others, I am happy to be reconnecting with as they are an intricate part of who I am - a part that I am realizing need to be able to surface.
I have blatantly neurotic tendencies. This is something I've never denied. While I've never seen a problem with this before, I am starting to realize that said tendencies are costing me the most important thing I have - life. Between the planning and analyzing, the worrying and nitpicking, the fear and the anger, I am letting life slip right by without even noticing I'm letting it happen.

I view both of these conclusions as beneficial realizations. I know that reflecting on these points will allow me to live a more simple, laid back, happy and enjoyable life. I can elaborate on both of the above conclusions in further detail, but that will be for another blog.

The flip side of this metaphoric coin is the changes that I am not happy about. I'm not sure I should call it "negative" change as I am beginning to feel there is a silver lining in all things and surely I can find the positive aspects in these undesired changes. In fact, I want to take a moment to do that now.

One of these undesired changes is the loss of something very near and dear to my heart - something I never realized I ran the risk of losing until it was gone.
Silver lining: If I had not lost that something, I would not have been forced to dive head first into this realm of self-discovery that I had never known was possible. I may not have taken the risks necessary to trudge through the past 23 years of hurt, anger, disappointment and fear. I would have never had the courage to look into my soul, face my demons and refuse to live the rest of my life as a prisoner to the past. For this, I am eternally grateful.

I have a long, hard and winding road ahead of me lined with obstacles that I may, at times, feel too weak to overcome. But I know that jumping each hurdle (or barely crawling over them) is not only necessary, but possible. I know that these changes I am experiencing will help me to become the person that I was put on this earth to become.

No, I don't have it all figured out and I know I never will. Yes, I struggle daily to keep positive, work on my weaknesses and allow myself to be imperfect. But I know that despite my downfalls and bad days, though my heart aches and my strength is weak, I will find comfort in my God, love in those close to my heart and hope in the potential of change.

Yes, I guess that change is good.

This is a Test

2008-12-05T18:07:00.001-06:00

I just got my new computer (can I get a wha-what!?) and I am testing the blog feature. :0)

I'm beginning to not like school so much...

2008-11-21T10:56:00.003-06:00

Ok, I wasn't planning on blogging today, but since this has struck a nerve YET AGAIN, I figured I'd lash out here (though, EZE has already bore the brunt of this lashing - ILY baby!).

When you're 18 - you're considered an adult. It's the LEGAL age to purchase tobacco, enter an adult video store and even fight in a flipping war. You can work, rent a hotel, rent an apartment, buy a house, open a credit card in your name, take out a loan, open a savings acoount... BUT - You're still not an adult.

At the age of 21 - you're considered an adult. You can drink alcohol. (Whoo-hoo.) Yep, you can legally choose to participate in an activity that puts thousands of people at risk every year.... but, you're still not an adult.

And when you're 24, you are magically responsible enough to take out student loans on your own even if Mommy and Daddy haven't been feeding you for the past 8 years, let alone paying for your education. Hell, if a 20-23 year old is struggling to the point of needing financial aid in the first place, is living on his or her own, has a job and no criminal record, AND is trying to further their education by taking undergraduate classes, why in the HELL can't they secure their own student loans?

At least when you hit 24, you're "LEGALLY" an adult.

Oh, wait. Most places still won't let you rent a car until you're 25.

It's a good thing I don't smoke anymore. :-)

I haven't forgotten about my blog...

2008-11-14T13:22:00.003-06:00

Ok, well I have - sorta. But the truth of the matter is that I still don't know where I'm heading or how I'm getting there. I thought I had it figured out again, just to learn that there are yet another 100 obstacles in the way. Not saying I won't jump each hurdle IF I know that the result is one I really want. I guess I'm not all that positive any more.

(Yeah, EZE, you can quote me on this... I recoil my prior statement of being SURE.)

Grr... back to the drawing board.

Words to Live By

2008-11-04T10:30:00.001-06:00

"For attractive lips, speak words of kindness. For lovely eyes, seek out the good in people. For a slim figure, share your food with the hungry. For beautiful hair, let a child run his/her fingers through it once a day. For poise, walk with the knowledge that you never walk alone. People, even more than things, have to be restored, renewed, revived, reclaimed, and redeemed; never throw out anyone. Remember, if you ever need a helping hand, you will find one at the end of each of your arms. As you grow older, you will discover that you have two hands; one for helping yourself, and one for helping others."

-- Audrey Hepburn

Holiday Reflections

2008-11-04T10:24:00.003-06:00

As I was writing that last blog about Christmas I remembered something I had written last year about the season. I thought I'd post it here to share with you.

It's that time of year again...

Christmas is here!

So, that magical time of year is upon us yet again. It's really hard to believe that another year has flown by so quickly. You know, time is really a funny thing. When I take a moment to pause and reflect on how much things have changed in the past 12 months, it really boggles my mind. There have been some pretty amazing times, heart breaking situations and instances that I know I have taken for granted.

Each day seems as if it passes relatively slowly. Yet, when a certain event, such as a holiday or birthday, occurs, it is not unusual to hear phrases like "Wow, where has the time gone?" or "That flew by!" Yes, time will always pass at the same rate - it is unchanging yet we, as humans, are constantly changing - always growing and learning. Before the close of this year, I wanted to take some time to share what I have learned this year:

1. Cherish every moment. If you are always preparing for something - waiting for the "right" time to do something - stop! The time is now. THIS is your life. Live it to the fullest.

2. Tell your friends and family you love them. Make time to call - or even email if you must. Don't let the day to day get in the way of the people that truly matter to you. Everyone has a busy life. It's nice to hear that you're being thought of once in a while.

3. Don't be afraid to let go - to grow - to learn - to take risks. It's not worth holding on to something if you are not happy. The reality is that we all live life once. Do it for yourself.

4. Never forget to kick back and have some fun. Genuine, real, laugh-until-your-stomach-hurts-and-you-have-tears-streaming-down-your-bright-red-face fun!

5. Take initiative. Work hard. Be honest. Take pride in everything you do.

6. Take credit when you do something well. Congratulate yourself and be proud.

7. SMILE! A lot.

8. Remember that everyone has problems in their lives. And most of the time, there is someone out there worse off than you. So, count your blessings and give back when you can - even if it's just taking a few extra seconds to hold the door open for someone or letting that car cut in front of you on the highway. You might be running late for work - that person cutting you off might be rushing to the hospital because his wife is in labor.

9. Take things in stride. Let go of the little things. Don't gossip. Try to be a little nicer - remember karma.

10. Every day is a chance at a new beginning - a fresh start. Stick to your guns. Stand up for what you believe in. Don't get taken advantage of - don't take advantage of others. Just be you.

I also wanted to comment on the spirit of Christmas. Now, for those of you that know me - I mean really know me - this won't come as a big surprise. Christmas has always been my favorite time of the year. And it's never been Christmas day itself. It's not about the presents or Santa. I consider myself a religious person, but it's not about the birth of Jesus, either. To me, the miracle of Christmas has always been about the days and weeks leading up to it. While most everyone else is out bustling about with holiday shopping and preparing family meals, I prefer to watch the snow fall or listen to children laughing as they wait for a picture with Santa. I love how at Christmas everything in the world - for just a few still moments - seems right... at peace, even. People smile more and greet each other happily as they walk down the street. Arguments seem insignificant and selfishness and greed melt away; after all, "It's Christmas". The spirit of the season encompasses a sense of hope. And this is what strikes me the most.

I don't come from a wealthy family by any means. When I was younger, it was an unspoken understanding that we wouldn't have as many presents as our friends and the ones we were fortunate enough to receive were never nearly as good as those of our classmates. So hoping for that beautiful 3 story dollhouse or bracelet from Tiffany's wasn't even a thought. That's not the kind of hope I'm talking about. My family, as most families, is full of drama and complications so hoping for a wonderful Christmas where everyone got along or sat around a piano singing Christmas carols isn't what I mean either. I mean the kind of hope that you get from watching someone worse off than you opening a present. The hope that you get from seeing strangers show kindness to one another. Hope that is gained only at Christmas. Hope that one day the whole world can live in harmony and people will act year round as they do at Christmas.

This year, I am very fortunate to have the most amazing friends that anyone could ever dream of. For the first time in my life I truly feel loved, appreciated, needed, wanted and secure. I have come a long way in my short 22 years and I actually feel proud of myself. I'm looking forward to my future instead of dreading it. I'm enjoying life and worrying less. I'm letting go of things that are out of my control and I'm preparing for the wonderful things that I finally believe lie ahead of me. I've realized that true friends are there for you no matter what - regardless of the number of times you call on them (or the time of day, for that matter). And I've realized that the family - the family I keep trying to build and hold together - I've been searching for is right here... my friends truly are my family. I love you all so much and I appreciate everything you have done for me this year and always. I am truly privileged to know each and every one of you and it makes me smile when I think of all the memories we share. Thank you just for being you (and for reading this novel, if you are still reading!).

At this special time of year I just want to say, Merry Christmas. I wish you all a warm and happy holiday. May you find your own magic in this season and the kind of hope only Christmas can bring.

It's (almost) that time of year again! Woot!

2008-11-04T10:14:00.002-06:00

Autumn is my favorite season. But Christmas is my favorite holiday. Though I put a few pumpkins and skeletons up for Halloween, I took them down today to make room for the inevitable... a slew of Christmas decorations. This is my first Christmas living with a child. If I'm lucky, there will even be 2 children present to celebrate the holidays this year. Therefore, I believe it will be an absolute sin to not go all out this year!

This means a tree, decked out with lights, garland and ornaments, strands of twinkling colors gracing every window, snowmen, Santas, reindeer and red and green on every wall, shelf, and corner so that it's impossible to forget the season is upon us no matter which way you turn. This means baking cookies of every variety, roasting a turkey for the first time, wrapping and hiding presents in odd places, breaking out the Christmas tunes and of course, the magical spirit that wraps it all in one neat little package.

I can't wait to get started! Of course, so as not to tire those I love too quickly, I will be courteous enough to wait until AFTER Thanksgiving to begin this. The Christmas shopping list and the shopping itself, however, I am ready to begin ASAP.

God, I love Christmas!

The lesser of two evils?

2008-10-28T10:20:00.003-05:00

Those of you who know me know that I don't talk politics. In this regard, this post is going to be very short.

In light of the crazy election year, I feel it's necessary to at least acknowledge the fact that I am paying attention since I do plan on voting. And right now all I know is that it comes down to one versus several issues that I feel strongly about. Most of the issues that mean the most to me are supported by one of the canidates.

Only one issue is one I really don't agree with... but I mean REALLY don't agree with. In fact, it's probably the only political issue I will actually argue someone on. My dilemma now lies in deciding whether it's worth letting this one issue outweigh all of my other feelings.

I just did a side by side comparison of the canidates and read each of their stances on all the issues. I'm still undecided. Hopefully, I'll be able to decide before the ballot is in front of me!

Journey Update

2008-10-25T22:39:00.002-05:00

1.) Clearly, I've been keeping up with the blog. That's quite an accomplishment for me, even if it's only been a week.

2.) I've been considering and researching MANY different careers that pique my interest.

3.) I've really been focusing on my writing. I'm looking into getting that book of mine published, am planning on pulling a story I wrote in high school out of storage to complete publish it and have been slowly working on an autobiography/journal of my past to help sort out a number of personal issues.

4.) That scrapbook has again become a goal for me - I'll work on it more this week.

5.) I've been smiling more and trying to live more in the here and now. After all, THIS is my life. These moments I'm spending worrying about the future are present moments being wasted and forgotten.

To friend or not to friend?

2008-10-25T22:10:00.004-05:00

Friendship is a funny thing. See, I don't have many of these - friends, that is. Of those I do have, I only consider a few "real" friends. Out of those few are maybe two whom I consider "close" friends. These would be the ones that know where the dishes and food, extra blankets and toilet paper are in my house. So, where does that leave the rest of them?

There are the ones who call you when they need something - be it advice, a favor or a material object. There are the ones who you call up and hang out with about once a month because that's just what you've been doing since... oh, forever. There are the ones who you call "friend" but really don't see, talk to or even know any more.

And then, there are the ones who you've just met and are starting/trying to figure out if it's worth your time to stick around or not.

This would be where my current problem lies. I made what I thought was a new friend. But usually friendships are not one-sided relationships. They are based on a commonality of some sort. This particular relationship began well enough. I was actually pretty excited since, as I've said, I don't have many friends these days, especially not ones I see pretty much every day. However, I feel like instead of a friend I'm more of a sound board for which this person to bounce her constant relationship issues off of.

Beyond this, I feel her morals are questionable, at best, and some of her actions are inconsistent of what I feel is "right." Now, is it acceptable for me to remain friends with her if she is the one committing these acts even though I don't feel it's right? If I don't, would that be judgmental and superficial of me? If I do, won't that be hypocritical of me?

Lately, I've been finding myself becoming increasingly short with this person. I shy away from answering my phone if it's her and I find reasons to reduce the amount of time I spend with her. Clearly, this isn't fair on my end to her but each time we hang out, it's more of the same. Moreover, I find at times her stories are inconsistent with what she had told me prior and honestly (which is the biggest issue at hand, I would say) is a big thing for me.

I guess it would only be fair to explain to her how I feel and ask if we're going to be friends or if she only needs someone to vent to. In any case, I suppose I'll probably stick around until I phase out of her life for one reason or another...

In the meantime, I'll count my blessings for the friends I do have. <3

Food vs. Cigarettes

2008-10-23T08:40:00.001-05:00

I am proud to be able to state that I have been smoke-free for 65 days. Go me! This is great news for several reasons:

A) My health – I’ve been told (repeatedly and for several years) that smoking is bad for one’s health. Now, I have a bit more energy, can breath a bit easier, don’t get as winded during physical activity as usual and am thinking my immune system might be a bit stronger. Since I’m a coffee drinker, I haven’t seen much improvement in the color of my teeth yet, but I’m still working on that.

B) My wallet – Cigarettes in Cook County are bordering $8 a pack. Calculating a pack a day, 7 days a week, 4 weeks a month, 12 months a year… that’s roughly $2700 a year spent on smoking. Wow.

C) My appearance – I no longer carry the lingering odor of smoke wherever I go. When I wear clean clothes now, I can actually smell the laundry detergent’s scent. I can hang out with children or friends or family and not have to worry about stopping what I’m doing because I need a cigarette break.

On the other hand, stopping that nasty habit has brought on a few different issues:

A) My health – I’ve turned to food to satisfy the oral fixation. Not fruits and vegetables, of course, but Big Macs, candy, cookies and Cokes. Junk food is really not good for the heart, arteries, or cholesterol. I feel tired and sluggish and can’t work up the energy to play with the kids like I use to.

B) My wallet – I still spend about $8 a day, only now it’s at fast food restaurants instead of gas stations.

C) My appearance – Really, after 60+ days of pure junk food, it’s not that surprising a first grader asked me why my belly was growing!

This past week I’ve noticed a bit of a change. Last Saturday, for the first time since I quit smoking, I was not hungry at lunch time. So I skipped the meal. I haven’t been to a fast food place since last week. I’ve been cutting back the sugar drastically. I’ve been replacing food with activity… instead of eating lunch when I wasn’t hungry, I focused on redecorating my apartment. When I find myself craving chocolate or ice cream, I sit down and journal, blog or write. Sure, last night I indulged in a bag of Doritos with sour cream, but I restrained from eating dessert, too!

(OK, when I was rolling this blog around in my head, there was a point to all of this… which has now escaped me. I guess that’s why I started this in the first place, right? To get all those ideas out of my mind so I can move on with my day? Well, should I ever remember the rest of this, I’ll be sure to update it.)

Indoor-Outdoor Office

2008-10-22T08:46:00.002-05:00

While I may be having some serious issues determining my future career (tonight I spent the better part of an hour researching Home Staging because of a show we were watching on HGTV), I genuinely love my current day job(s). Really though, who wouldn’t? A few of my comrades had suggested working with children practically nonstop would trigger more stress than it would merit. I’m finding it’s quite the contrary – the more time I spend outside of my little “kid bubble,” the more I want to rip my hair out. Traffic, bills, traffic, decisions, traffic, responsibilities, traffic, priorities, traffic, deadlines… have I mentioned Chicago’s rush hour traffic?

Once I got settled with the boys this morning, my commute consisted of a high powered 30 minute walk to a board meeting – puzzle time at the local library. Afterwards, came a leisurely Autumn stroll back to the office (the playroom in the basement), where we played everything from Name That Animal Noise to Peek A Boo to Fly Me Like A Human Airplane. Naturally, we had to break for lunch which is promptly followed by a 2 hour nap. After naps, of course, come juice and a quick snack and then B and I are off to the next part of my day – the BIG KIDS!

At the after-school program today I was in charge of floor activities. This means that for the hour we spent outside soaking up the last of the day’s (and possibly the season’s) sunshine, I lead a series of relay races. When we went back inside, I supervised a game the kids and I made up yesterday afternoon that lasted well until the last half hour or so of the day. We ended our busy afternoon with a rousing game of Dodge Ball.

Sounds like a piece of cake, right? It’s almost as though I’m really not working at all…

Well, I also cared for a toddler who preferred screaming for 45 minutes straight to taking his nap. I dealt with a third grader with an attitude problem who insisted on hitting her classmates. I repeated the phrase ‘please keep your hands to yourself’ about 100 times. I was forced to hold my breath for the better part of 2 hours because a second grader is having hygiene issues. I kissed, cuddled, bandaged and iced several bumps, scrapes, bruises and emotional boo-boos. I cleaned mashed up chicken and broccoli out of a baby’s hair, off of clothes, out of my hair and out from under a booster seat. I’ve been bitten on the arm, kicked in the leg and almost hit in the head with a ball. I read Where The Wild Things Are for the 10^th time this week – and it’s only Tuesday. I bent, tugged, lifted, pulled, carried, cleaned, wiped, maneuvered and stretched my way through the day.

And you know what? I still genuinely love my job(s). :)

My Children's Book

2008-10-20T20:15:00.004-05:00

This has to have been my greatest idea thus far. It sprung from an inside joke between EZE and I that began when we first began dating. Between his encouragement and B’s natural baby cuteness (which I, as a creative writer, interpreted as inspiration), this inside joke became a children’s storyline. Based on my story, EZE – a talented graphic artist – began some sketches. Fast forward to present day and we have one fully illustrated, semi-educational children’s story, a corresponding activity/coloring book, business cards, a website… and absolutely no idea how to go about promoting and selling the book.

All of the research I have done states that a children’s book writer may submit a manuscript to certain publishing companies if said companies accept unsolicited work. Great! I’ve also found that most publishers do not want illustrated work and prefer to match your writing with a illustrator that follows the publisher’s style. Not so great. EZE and I are a team… we developed this project together. His pictures were drawn for my story and parts of my story were inspired by him and his drawings. Without one, the other would be nonexistent.

I’ve also read recommendations about self-publishing. I’ve found a company that does print-on-demand copies of the book online. In fact, this is how we’ve sold the few copies that we have (to friends and family members). We’ve printed flyers and posted a few around town in hopes of selling to the public. We’ve developed bookmarks that match the book’s theme and have been distributing them wherever we can. I’ve thought of purchasing several copies of the book and trying to sell them at Arts and Crafts festivals, the local Flea Market and other places. The problem is that this requires money to order the books up front, to cover the cost of ISBN numbers and copyright fees and money to rent a booth or space at the festival – money I just don’t have.

The final solution I’ve researched is hiring an agent to sell and promote the book for me. I don’t know where to begin with the issues on this one! How do I know whom I can trust? Isn’t that going to cost me a lot of money? Copyrights and ISBNs alone are several hundred dollars! Won’t the publishers still want to break EZE and I apart, as far as the book is concerned? What happens to the book if no one wants to publish it? Will I have to give up my rights to the agent, even if the book is not published? How do contracts and royalties work? I intend to make this a series – is that my call still if someone else publishes it? What about the website? I have TONS of ideas for the website! So far there are games, a section for parents, coloring pages, ideas, contests kids can enter for real prizes… can I still do all that if my book is published?

I guess I’ve been hoping that someone would see my book and contact me about publishing it but I know this is far-fetched, especially with such limited promotion. Personally, I think I would do the self-publishing if I could generate enough money. I know it would be a lot more work on my part, but I’m not afraid of work. I could ensure that EZE is the illustrator and I could move forward with all the ideas I have for the future of this story. I’m open to suggestions on this one!

My Characters

2008-10-20T20:10:00.003-05:00

I’m not going to use real names here (or am I?) – So, in order for you to know who I’m talking about and what they mean to me, I’m providing a glossary of sorts that you can always refer back to. Lame as that may be - you'll thank me later!

Missy Krissy – that’s me! 5^th (or 6^th?) year college student. In steady relationship with great guy. Unsure of desired career path. Loving friend, big sister, daughter, niece, granddaughter, godmother, nanny, after-school counselor, cousin, aunt and girlfriend. I love music, dance, reading, outdoors, gardens, coffee, traditions, cooking, creating, mothering, hugs, shoes, purses, decorating, pools, playing sports for fun, popping bubble wrap, people watching, writing, being pampered, watching movies, Fall and Summer.

EZE – the Yin to my Yang. Boyfriend of 13 months and counting. Graphic Artist.

B – my cute-as-a-button 1 year old nephew.

TT – oldest of my 4 younger siblings, mother of B. Current roommate. Wants to be a pharmacist.

*I'll add to this as I blog about other members of my exclusive circle. :)

What's this all about?

2008-10-20T20:00:00.010-05:00

I will be the first to admit that I am an indecisive and hesitant person. These traits are precisely what brought me to the world of blogging. Well, that and my tendency to jump from concept to concept without fully completing what I began in the first place… you know, I have a scrapbook from a vacation last May that has yet to be pieced together. I took over 300 photographs on that trip, bought the scrapbook about a month before the trip began and then purchased all of the materials I would need to create a keepsake that would hold those precious memories for me to show my grandchildren when the time comes. The week I returned home from the trip, I spread out all my supplies on the dining room floor and began layouts of the pages. Today, over 6 months later, all of the materials, pictures and supplies are shoved into a backpack that is lying on the floor of our home office. This is the story of my life.

I’m the kind of person who has ideas and dreams. Some are great. Some are tiny and seemingly insignificant. Some are crazy. Some just might work. I can usually formulate a plan to move these thoughts into actions. Most of the time, I even begin to follow through with these plans. Practically every time, I stop partially through the project and never see the end result. I don’t quit or give up – I just… stop. And I’m on to the next project. This is beginning to become an issue for me, as I can’t decide what I want to do with my life. I know I want to be a mother and a wife. I want to bake cupcakes for the school bake sale and drive the soccer team to games. I want to decorate our home, keep it clean and cook dinner at night. But I’m told I need to do something besides this. I’ve heard that I have to potential to do great, wonderful and big things. I have yet to learn what these things are.

Hence, I am starting this blog. Here you will find many of my ideas, projects I have started, would like to begin, or am in the process of working on as well as general rants, raves and opinions. I welcome you to tag along while I attempt to tie up loose ends of old undertakings and unlock this potential I know I have – somewhere. My hope is that this project will enhance my soul searching and help me discover my true calling in life. My fear is that it will become just another endeavor I’ll never complete.